Always On My Mind

I have a confession to make.  When I dropped Nora and Archer off for their very first days of daycare after maternity leave, I was relieved.  I didn't cry, I didn’t think about them all day.  I was glad to have some semblance of normalcy back, a routine back in place, a break from being clung to!  I liked the familiarity of getting up and going to work and being productive (and no just productive in the milk department either!!).  Here’s my next confession.  I cry every time I drop Nora off at preschool.  WHAT IS THIS?!  She’s almost 5 years old and NOW I cry???  I think what I’m feeling deep down is that this is just the first step of letting go.  AND SHE’S ONLY FIVE!!!  I say this constantly, and I’m saying it again:  Time is going entirely too fast for my liking.  So mamas who have sweet little babies who you get the privilege of rocking to sleep?  Enjoy it now – savor it now.  And no, I’m not trying to make you feel anxious because time just slips away so quickly – I just want you to realize how precious our babies are and what a GIFT time is.  If you have been given one more day on this earth to breathe air in through your lungs and see your babies smile?  You are blessed.  There are mothers out there who cry themselves to sleep at night praying for a baby to be created in their womb or mourning the loss of a child who had blessed their lives for a short time. 

Just last night, after taking the babysitter home after small group, I came home to everyone in bed.  I went in to Nora’s room, put my ear to her face and just listened to her breathe.  And then I smelled her sweaty hair.  And it was as if time froze.  I just lay beside her listening to the peaceful rhythm of her breathing and then the tears started. Not because of sadness, but because of an overwhelming love for this sweet little one.  And our boxer Maggie had to share in the moment…mother hen that she is.  She followed me from Nora’s room into Archer’s room where I did the same thing.  What struck me was how differently they smelled – both sweet smelling, but Nora smelling like flowers and Archer more earthy.  I know this sounds so strange, but I have always connected smells to places and times and I just know that someday a wave of “earthy kid smell” will hit me long after Archer has moved out of the house and I will be transported back to that night when I just watched and listened to him sleep when he was just 2 years old (soon to be 3). 

Today my prayer is that my children continue to teach me about life, gratitude, appreciation for the little things, and how to love unconditionally.  They have taught me more in the past five years about life than I have ever learned in my own 33 years on this earth.  I love them to the moon and back. (or in Archer’s words: “A back-a moon”) 

Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk. - Susan Scarf Merrell