We're Back!

It has dawned on me that I haven't blogged in, well, what seems like forever.  At this time of year of giving thanks, I felt compelled to write about the many, many blessings in our lives and how utterly grateful we are.  Do you ever feel so thankful that you feel overwhelmed and your tongue just can't get the words out fast enough?  That's how I'm feeling these days.  I have so much to be grateful for and I don't even know where to begin. I am so incredibly thankful to have a loving God who blesses me with His presence, His patience, His mercy, and His grace on a daily basis.  I fall so short of deserving any of it, yet He freely and willingly gives it to me because He loves me that much.  Before I knew God, I mean really knew God, I never knew what the phrase, "There but for the grace of God go I." meant.  None of us deserve to be forgiven of our sin, and that's why His grace is so amazing.  Ever hear the song "Amazing Grace"?

I am thankful for my husband.  He has shown me the value of unconditional love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy.  We've been down a tumultuous road in our first five years of marriage, but as the saying goes, "if you're ever going to see the rainbow, you've got to stand a little rain".  On our 5th wedding anniversary this past October, we had the honor of renewing our wedding vows, inviting Christ into our marriage. Maybe I sound a little foolish here, but I can truly say that those vows and that ceremony meant more to me than our actual wedding day.  I sang the song "Blessings" by Laura Story to Jed that night and that song couldn't be more true for us. "What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy. And what if trials of this life: the rain, the storms, the hardest nights - are Your mercies in disguise."  Jed and I have weathered through some of the hardest days of our lives, and yet, rather than breaking us, they have made us stronger, closer and revealed the glory that is our Lord, Jesus to us.  Sometimes some of the best things come from some of the worst things and I will testify to that until the day that I leave this earthly world and join my Father in Heaven.

This is just a little tidbit of the things I am thankful for, but I just don't have the time to post them all right now.  I hope to keep the family blog updated more now, so stay tuned.  Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone and enjoy the many blessings you've been given!

My Christian Retreat Weekend

Friday evening through Sunday evening I had the privilege of experiencing my very first Christian Retreat Weekend (CRW) at the Shalom Retreat Center through Hope Church.  A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.  I can't say a whole lot about it in this post because Jed is attending the men's retreat the first weekend in March and I don't want to spoil the surprises as it will be his very first CRW too!  However, I will say that I made phenomenal new friendships that are sure to last a lifetime.  The power of the Truth and the absolute rawness (nakedness! ha!) of some of these women's testimonies is utterly indescribable.  There is such beautiful healing in the sharing of your pain - the purging of your "baggage" and "junk".  Such a freedom in being the self that God created you to be.  "God doesn't make junk". 

When I got home Sunday night, I was greeted with two very happy children.  I've never gotten so many hugs from my 17-month old before!  I think he just might have missed me :-)  And I usually like my time away to decompress, but for some reason, I really missed my kids this weekend.  Nora has become my little buddy, my little partner in crime, my mini-me.  It's been fun to have her help clean (yay, free cleaning service!), bake and just be a more responsible 3-year old in general.  She is getting to the point of wanting to please us more and more rather than push our buttons to see how far she can push us!  It. Is. Awesome.  Oh, but don't misinterpret.  She still has her meltdown moments.  They are just fewer and farther apart.

Poor Archer has been battling cold and allergy symptoms for a few months now, and I found lumps on his neck and the back of his head.  His pediatrician says that they are swollen lymph nodes (which means he has an infection of some sort), but they just don't know what.  All of the tests came back negative, so we are basically just watching him closely and monitoring him.  Please lift him in prayer that he begins feeling better SOON.

I am still struggling with many unanswered questions of Junior's death and the aftermath of that horrific tragedy.  Starting the night after his funeral, I began to have nightmares.  Mostly of not being able to get to him (or someone else close to me) in time and having to watch them suffer and die. The guilt of not being able to help them and the lack of control I have in the situation is overwhelming.  I think once I am to the acceptance stage of my grief that the nightmares will stop, but I'm just not there yet.  And I think it's going to be awhile yet.  But I am so incredibly blessed with caring and compassionate people in my life to help me through this dark valley.

Overall, very busy winter/spring.  I am very happy that I decided to do the Girlfriend's Upgrade Bible study at church.  It has forced me to be more disciplined in my Bible studies.  It also doesn't hurt that I've made some wonderful and beautiful new friends either! My heart is overflowing!!!

Lead me to the cross 

Where Your love poured out

Bring me to my knees

Lord I lay me down

Rid me of myself

I belong to You

Lead me, Lead me to the cross

He Gives and Takes Away

These past three days have been a fog and my emotions have run the gamut.  I work for the Dubuque Community Schools Buildings & Grounds Department and when I got to work Tuesday, it was a scene of chaos and something you would see in your nightmares.  My boss met me at my van when I pulled up and by the grim look on his face, I could tell something terrible had happened (it didn't even click that there were 5 police cars blocking our shop).  Everything was happening so fast and nothing was making any sense to me at all, and it still isn't.  My boss told me that there was a bad accident.  Junior (one of our electricians) was killed.  Dale (one of our grounds guys) accidentally ran him over with one of our trucks.   I was horrified, not only that Junior was gone, but that Dale had to be hurting so unbelievably badly having been behind the wheel.

I don't want to get into details out of respect for the families and just because I don't want to relive it again, I just wanted to give a little background information so you know why this post is so completely different from my others.   And why, if you see me over the next while, I'm not my usual self.  I am grieving.  Our department consists of (7) electricians, (2) painters, (3) grounds crew and (3) carpenters.  We are a family.  We know each others' personalities, we know each others' quirks, we know each others' families.  Our department has been hit hard over the past 2 years with budget cuts and losing a few guys to the layoffs, so we've been brought even closer.  With this horrific tragedy, we need to lean on each other and support each other to get through this.  The one who needs our support the most is Dale.  He is struggling with unimaginable guilt and it is our duty as friends to get him through this.  It's almost like being in a war together.  We stick together. And me being the only female in the department? I am their sister.  I am their daughter.  I am their granddaughter.  We all look out for one another.

Today we are going to the wake together as a department and I am so scared.  I am scared that I am not going to be able to keep it together emotionally.  I am PRAYING that Dale has strength.  I am praying that the arms of Christ will be wrapped so tightly around him that he will feel a bit of peace, even if only for a moment.  I can't even wrap my brain around everything that has happened.  I can't even process it.  All I have been able to do is cry and pray for the families and everyone else who is hurting so badly from such a tragic loss.

Junior was the brother I never had.  He teased me incessantly.  I think I heard at least once a week that Jed & I had better get working on our next baby (because before I had Nora I used to say I was going to have 6 kids!) and that I needed to buy his house from him so we could have room for them all!  He was always trying to sell his house to me!! (joking, of course!).  He also had this fake rat that he used on a few of us to get a reaction out of.  Oh. Man.  That thing.  He was the last one to have it, so we're in an all out search for it because his wife wants it.  Now how many people do you know want a fake rat to remind them of their husband?  Tells you what kind of a comical character he was!!! :-)  I am really going to miss him.  He had in infectious smile and laugh.  You always knew when Junior was around because of his laugh.  He was a larger than life man who always put his family first and never had a bad word to say about anyone.  He had a good ear and would listen to me complain about this or that and I always felt better when he left.  What an outstanding man of character lost only too soon.  33 years of life.  Many sources say that's how old Jesus was when He died.  Junior was always pulling a prank of some kind.  And you never knew when to believe what he was saying or not.  One time he had the entire second floor of the Forum believing that another (not so popular) custodian was coming back from retirement to work at the Forum again.  Oh what chaos! Ha ha!  I was crying and laughing so hard when we were retelling this story!

Goodbye Junior.  You have brought such a joy and laughter to my life, and literally the lives of everyone who ever had the pleasure of being in your company.  In the words of David Crowder, "Everything will change, things will never be the same, we will never be the same."  May the Lord bless you and keep you.  The Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you.

"For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Come to Jesus - Chris Rice

Change...It's Not Just Quarters & Nickels!

I'm finding it harder and harder to explain my feelings these days and I'm beginning to get frustrated!  For the past 3 months I have undergone a significant spiritual transformation that can only be described as my "rebirth".  I am not the same person I used to be.  Well, I am, but I'm not.  (See...this is why I get so frustrated! Gah!)  I'm the same Becky as in I still like to have as much fun as I can, I still like to cuddle and play with my kids, I'm still terrified of tornadoes, I still quote every movie I have ever seen, I still like to tease my husband (as often and as loudly as possible!), but my inner core has changed.  My foundation has evolved from this wandering, drifting, "I-don't-know-myself" being to one of knowing who I am and knowing what I believe in.  Things are becoming more clear to me and my convictions are becoming stronger and stronger the closer I become with Christ.  If you have ever been through this transformation before, you know the struggle I am talking about.  How do you express yourself and these overwhelming emotions? I'm trying to express myself through words by blogging (hello Mrs. Conspicuous...nice to hear from you!) but it just isn't enough. And is it ever too much? My love for Christ is not something that I am ashamed of or am willing to hide just because it isn't "popular" or isn't "becoming".  If it's something people don't like about me, they don't like it.  That's out of my control and I can't worry.  But I refuse to suppress my faith based on the opinions of others.   The "old" me might have done so just to keep peace and remain unobtrusive, but I just can't do that anymore.  I can't.

I am reading the Bible and can't seem to get enough, but I don't feel like I'm "reading it right" or getting as much out of it as I could be.  So, ask and ye shall be given, right?  That's exactly what has happened!  I have been praying that I can continue on my walk with the Lord and to keep this fire in my soul burning brightly.  God has answered my prayer in the form of a 12-week women's Bible study group at our church called "Girlfriend's Upgrade".  I will be meeting with 11 other women and 2 leaders on Saturday mornings to discuss the role that God has created for us as women and how to apply what He has to say to us to our daily lives.  It also involves holding each other accountable and taking responsibility for our marriages, our children, our relationships, our jobs, etc.  This is the shorter version of the men's study that Jed is currently in called Top Gun.  The first meeting is this Thursday and I am anxious to meet alot of new women to share and grow in my faith with! 

One of the most amazing things I have had the privilege of experiencing is finding a peace and calm within myself that can only be described as sublime.  Jed and I had a discussion this weekend about our walks of faith and I tried to describe how I'm feeling...that things are just...right where they should be.  And the quote by Gandhi that I've heard many times over sums it up:  “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."  I couldn't have put it into better words myself.  And we vowed to each other that if we begin to backslide, that we will hold each other accountable (and not get mad at each other!).  And I have backslid over the past 3 months. Oh I have backslid! I have had to check myself and take responsibility for things that I am not proud of.  This change is a progression and if I want to grow and move forward, I have to allow for mistakes, not only with myself, but with others.  Tolerance and flexibility are the very nature of change.  But I will never go back to the life I used to live.  I won't allow it.  I will be the first to admit how miserable I was and how empty I felt inside.  And the way I treated other people, including the ones I love the most?  I don't even want to talk about it.  I am so ashamed.  And now? All because of God's grace, mercy and compassion?  I am overflowing with His love. HOORAY GOD!!!!!!!

You know how as a mother you constantly hear your kids yelling, "Mom!  Mom!  Mom!  Mom!" ?  Wanting you to do this for them, wanting you to do that for them, wanting your attention to show you this, wanting your attention to show you that...I have had the privilege of hearing "Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!" over and over, repeatedly in our house.  I want to applaud my husband for the outstanding work he has put into making himself a better husband and father...just a better overall person.  He has gone outside of his comfort zone to open himself up and be vulnerable to his weaknesses to make himself a stronger man.  As I have stated before, he is in the Top Gun program at Hope and ladies, if you're looking for your man to really learn what it means to be your partner in your life, I suggest looking into that program.  I can't begin to tell you the amazing changes that have taken place.  God is GOOD! 

This past weekend Jed and I went to Des Moines with two other couples from our small group to the Winter Jam Tour 2011.  It's a huge concert with different Christian bands and artists that play about 3-4 songs each, so it's like a little "Christian music buffet" :-)  Some of the bands and artists that were there were there were Chris August, Sidewalk Prophets, KJ-52, NewSong, Francesca Battistelli, RED, Kutless, David Crowder Band, & Newsboys.  It.  Was.  Awesome.  We will most definitely be going again next year.  And it was only $10 to get in the doors!

Yes, you are seeing correctly.  This is the drummer for Newsboys.  He was actually SPINNING while playing here.  At a 90 degree angle.  Astounding.

And with that, I leave you with a passage of scripture that I have found very helpful within the past few months.  I hope it brings insight and understanding to you all as well!

"Yes, each of us will give a personal account to God.  So let's stop condemning each other.  Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall". 

Romans 14:12-13.

My Christmas Gift

And so another Christmas has passed.  And with it another year of memories.  Good memories.  No, strike that.  GREAT memories!  This year we had a three year old and a 15-month old to celebrate Christmas with and had many, many reasons to celebrate, indeed.  Jed and I have our marriage, we have our two healthy children, we have families that walk with us through our darkest days and rejoice with us when we have overcome our trials, never leaving our sides, we have a new and gratifying church family, we have faithful friends (new and old alike), we have our jobs which provide food and income, we have our home which provides shelter from the elements, we have our health, we have all of the creature comforts we could possibly desire.  But these things...what do these things matter if we don't have Jesus?  So proudly to this I can, with absolute authority and conviction, say that Jed and I do have.  We. Have. Jesus. And that, my friends, is the best Christmas gift we could ever have asked, hoped or prayed for.  A little back story, shall we?

My journey to Jesus has been a struggle.  I have always believed in Jesus and sometimes had a relationship with Him, but I put it on the back burner as I struggled my way through adolescence, college and the early years of my relationship and marriage with Jed.  Those things were obviously of more importance to me than a relationship with a man who had died over 2,000 years ago. So this change...it wasn't as if the skies parted and a booming voice rained down upon me and told me "Jesus is real. You must now believe in Him and change."  It wasn't one of those, "Aha!" moments you sometimes hear about or see in the movies.  It didn't hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. It has been a gradual change.  My life was not going the way I had planned.  And that?  Is where I went wrong.  It's not about MY plan, it's about GOD'S plan.  I hadn't surrendered complete control to Him because I was afraid.  Afraid of losing that control.  But now that I have surrendered that control to Him...there are no words.  My life is not, and will never again be the same.  I want to tell everyone who will listen (and even those who don't want to listen) what awesome and amazing things he has done for Jed and for me and what He can do for them too!!!  I don't want to keep this burning excitement to myself...I want to share it!  During the candlelight Christmas Eve service at our church, our pastor explained finding and believing in the gospel in this way:  Imagine a beggar finding a bit of bread and wanting to share it with other beggars who are hungry. I was but a beggar in search of food.  I have now found not just a loaf of bread, but the entire bakery!!! :-)

There are some out there who think it's an act.  My only reply is this:  Keep watching.  See what He does with His believers.  I have one Judge and He will come in glory to judge the living and the dead and His kingdom will have no end.  After many, many hours of introspection, I've realized that it doesn't matter who thinks what.  God knows my heart and He knows the Truth. "God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs".  Matthew 5:10. 

So how do I go on from here other than to say our Christmas of 2010 was a very blessed one indeed? I have no words for the gratitude I feel for God's grace and mercy - I humble myself before Him. I am but a sinner in desperate need of a savior.  I can never repay Him, but one thing I can do to glorify Him is to pass His word on, and that we are doing with our children.  I shared the story of the birth of Jesus with Nora this year and she had many important questions to ask, such as "what is a manger?", "what did Jesus eat?", and "does Jesus like mustaches?". :-)  It has been so much fun teaching her as we are learning new things ourselves.  We have started a new tradition this year of baking a birthday cake and singing "Happy Birthday" for Jesus in honor of His special day. Sometimes we get so bogged down with the notion that Christmas is about Santa and presents and reindeer and shopping that we lose sight of what Christmas is truly about.  That Jesus was born as a baby, in the flesh, so that ultimately He would die for each of us so that we may be saved and have eternal life with Him in His kingdom.  How awesome is that? I mean really, how awesome is that?! We still want to have Santa and the regular ol' Christmas traditions at our house, but we don't want those traditions to overshadow the REAL meaning of Christmas.  I remember as a kid, when I was about 6 or 7 years old, all of my cousins and I went outside after we performed our "Christmas skit" for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles at my Grandma & Grandpa Habel's.  They had a big gravel parking lot next to their house and all of my cousins and I went to that parking lot and with our feet, we wrote in great big letters "Happy birthday Jesus!" in the snow, held hands in a circle while a light snow came down around us...and prayed.  It is one of those moments in my life that I will never forget.  And I only wish now, that I hadn't lost my faith for so many years.  All part of God's plan I suppose.  The most important thing is that He and I are "back on speaking terms" again, right? ;-)

As my babies get older, I am falling more and more in love with them each and every day.  Nora is so smart and curious. She is serious and funny.  She is perceptive and mature.  Archer is demanding and sensitive.  He is challenging and gentle.  He is the baby.  They both feel the pain and joy of others...they are compassionate creatures already.  I never knew something as fragile as a beating heart could be so astonishingly strong as to hold as much love as what mine does for these two small human beings.  I was discussing with a few of my aunts and cousins at a family gathering over the Christmas weekend that it's not the bathing, diapering, feeding, clothing, etc. parts of being a parent that are the hard parts.  It's the actual parenting:  the disciplining, the lessons of compassion, the teaching of values and manners, etc.  That is the aspect of parenting that is difficult because it is never-ending.  Yet, shouldn't it be easy?  Shouldn't it just be second nature to us?  Why then, is this the most difficult task?  My opinion of an answer is this:  We are afraid of failure.  We are afraid that if our children don't "turn out right" that we have failed them, failed ourselves, failed God.  We need to trust in God and pray to Him to guide us in the ways that He wants us to raise our children and not just "hope" that we're doing what's right, but know we're doing what's right.  Some days it's alot easier said than done, trust me, I know! But I am cherishing each and every moment with them as I can see and feel how quickly time is passing.  Jed and I will be "empty-nesters" before we know it!

I wish to conclude this "pouring out of my soul" blog entry by thanking God for giving me my life back.  And not just giving it back to me, but giving it back to me in abundance.  And worth far more than I could have ever possibly even asked for.  That is the best Christmas gift I could have received.  And I want to thank each of you who had a hand in walking me through this past year.  There were days when I couldn't stand on my own and you were there holding me up and walking me forward, step by small step:  Mom, Dad, Jesi, Laura, Jamie, Boomer, Jed, Ashley, Emily, Kali, Mandy, Tracey, Karin, everyone in small group, all of my Habel clan and everyone else who offered words of encouragement and gave me hope.  I wouldn't be who I am today without your influence and encouragement.  I have learned the lesson of what it means to have and to be a real and true friend.  I LOVE YOU ALL and I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to say it. With humble, humble gratitude, I thank you.

"For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light!" Ephesians 5:8