Unwrapping His Christmas Presence

This goes along quite well with my post from yesterday!


Unwrapping His Christmas Presence

Christmas Spirit

This weekend was full of Christmas FUN and excitement!  The first annual Habel Girl’s Baking Day took place on Saturday – I practically had to be rolled out of there.  We had miles of tables piled high with Christmas goodies – cookies, candies, tartlets.  It was just what I needed to wash the stress and anxiety of this time of year away.  I’ve been struggling with time management because of working my full time job and working for Nora’s Naturals (really, I work two full time jobs!).  I am so incredibly grateful for the busyness of Nora’s Naturals though.  Never in a million years would I have considered that I would ever be a small business owner, but here I am - fulfilling a dream of mine that I wasn’t even aware I had.  The dreams for my life have drastically changed over the past 2 years. Growing up, I just wanted to be a wife & mom and work a 9-5 job –boring normalcy.  I’ve already attained my two most notable dreams – being a wife and being a mom.  But now, the dreams and goals for my life have changed to include being a stay at home mom and wife.  I know what you’re thinking….Nora’s already in school and Archer will be in school next year.  But being a stay at home mom means so much more to me than staying home while the kids are home.  It means being available for them – to take them to school and pick them up.  It means volunteering in their classrooms where they can see the importance of giving back to our community.  It means being home after school (the hours when kids get into the most trouble) and helping with homework.  It means being able to attend school programs and functions and field trips.  It means being present for my kids full time, not just when my job allows.  Not only would it allow me to be present for my kids, it would also mean being available to minister to the hurting & wounded in our community.  There are so many days when I receive a text or a call from a hurting friend who just needs to talk – but I’m “chained” to a desk and unable to talk or help in any way other than to pray from where I am.  I am not a materialistic person, so if I have to go without so that I can make that dream a reality, then that is what I’m willing to do.  Emptying myself of me so that I can fill up with Him. 

This Christmas season, I’ve have decided to eliminate some of the usual things from my yearly “Christmas preparation” in order to have more time to just “be still”.  I want a simple Christmas.  So when you notice our family is absent from your collection of Christmas cards, know that it’s because I want to take the money we would have used for those cards to give to a family in need and the time it would have taken me to get them prepared and mailed will be spent with my family.  I won’t apologize for it.  It’s my choice.  Saturday on our way out to my Aunt Carol’s house for our baking day, the kids and I were listening to Third Day’s version of “Do You Hear What I Hear” when Nora piped up from the backseat exclaiming that “Christmas is about Jesus’s birthday!”  I asked her if she understood why we celebrate Jesus’s birthday though, and she declared, “Because we always celebrate birthdays”.  In a feeble attempt to explain the gospel, in unexpected and overwhelming tears, I explained that since Jesus was born that night in a stable, we can have eternal life with Him if we trust Him.  That we can have JOY and PEACE and GOODNESS.  That God sent Him that night as a baby boy to save us –from despair, from sin, from eternal darkness.  It was a moment of clarity, not only for the kids, but for me as well.  As the words in the song hung heavy in the air of the van, they struck me: “The Child, The Child, sleeping in the night.  He will bring us goodness and light. He will bring us goodness and light.”  He has already brought us goodness and light.  The day He was tortured, mocked, and hung on a cross.  The day He willingly climbed up on that cross to have his hands and feet nailed in; to have a spear thrust into His side. That day was a dark day indeed, and yet it was filled with an insurmountable light. The light of a new and living God who comes to make all things new. He died so that we could live. The ultimate paradox.  The ultimate gift.  It’s hard for me to explain the gospel to my kids, when I feel inadequate to be the one to teach them because I have so much to learn yet myself.  And yet, in those moments, God in His infinite goodness, gives us the wisdom and the words we need to convey His message.

In closing, I pray this Christmas season finds you all filled with the true spirit of Christmas.  It’s not the warm fuzzy feeling you get from being with family.  It’s not the gifts you receive under your tree.  It’s not the perfectly decorated home or the yummy goodies that line your countertops.  It’s that Jesus was born as the ultimate gift for you and for me.  He sacrificed His LIFE as His gift to you and to me.  Christmas is about sacrificing and giving.  And receiving that gift of eternal life that Jesus so freely offers each and every one of us.

Easter 2013

This past weekend God used Jed, Nora, myself, and about 20 other beautiful and broken sinners to show over 3,000 people at Easter service how HE has changed us.  He started, and completed His work in us…and is still working!  www.gotquestions.org describes a public testimony as follows:  “A Christian testimony is given when Christians relate how we came to know the God of the Bible through the moving of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. Most commonly, we are sharing how we became Christians by God’s miraculous intervention and work in our lives through specific events.  Often we can only see that in hindsight, but sharing that experience is vital.”  Being vulnerable is scary, but the blessings far outweigh any fear or retribution we might experience.  Giving a Christian testimony is not about us.  It’s about Him.

My mask is finally off.  When you are your authentic self, you have nothing to hide.  My past is painful and ugly, but once I faced it, dug deep to find the energy to process through it, and moved forward, I was left with an amazing sense of freedom.  Freedom to be me and not someone I thought people would like.  Freedom to be honest about my problems and struggles and to share them. Freedom to share how God has led me through the darkest days of my life and how He can help others too. 

I want to make very clear that I will never force my beliefs onto anyone.  We are all entitled to our own beliefs and opinions.  All I ask is for that same respect in return.    I share the gospel and share the works that God has done in me because I am overjoyed by all He has done for me and I don’t want to keep that joy all to myself.  If I can show other people how much joy He has brought to my life, maybe they too, can experience that same joy by accepting Him into their lives. In John 4:13-14, Jesus states: “"Anyone who drinks this water (the world) will soon become thirsty again.  But those who drink the water I give (Jesus) will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life (joy)."  It’s not about forcing someone to believe, it’s about showing them the possibilities IF they believe.  And if they choose not to accept Him, that’s their choice and their right.  Some of the decisions I make today are not the same decisions I would have made in my “old life”, but they are my decisions and I own them. If they don't affect you, please respect my own right to have my own belief system and opinions.

My mom and dad, who haven’t been to church in close to 20 years, attended with us Sunday.  It was so amazing to be able to share our church family and our joy with them.  I can’t explain it.  It was a great Easter Sunday for sure.  The hard work of our friends from the past few weeks paid off as there were many who crossed that stage as new believers of the gospel!  PRAISE GOD!  Lives are being changed. Marriages are being changes.  Families are being changed.  Generations are being changed.  

God is mighty to save indeed.

Redeemed

Here are the videos Jed and I both used for our Christian Retreat Weekend talks.  Thank you Lord for loving us.

Jed's CRW Video (click this link)

Becky's CRW Video

Redemption

The men’s CRW (Christian Retreat Weekend) 2013 closed yesterday with cheers of joy, love, peace, and freedom.  Freedom in Christ.  My eyes witnessed miracle upon miracle this weekend while helping.  For my family and me, the miracle happened when my shy, quiet, keeps-everything-to-himself husband stood up in front of a room of about 100 men and gave his testimony of forgiveness.  How ONLY through the power of our holy God was he able to step out of his comfort zone to share with other men what God has done in his life.  How he forgives because he has been forgiven first by the only One that matters. And all the glory to God, because without Him, our marriage would not have survived.  Without God, I shudder to think where we would both be.  Modern day miracles – they do still happen, just maybe not the way you think they should happen! 

Our story is one of infidelity, pride, faithlessness, and dysfunction. I should say our story WAS a story of those things.  God has redeemed our story creating a new one, with Him at the center. A new story of grace, humility, love, and compassion.  From the pit of muck and mire He rescued us.  Like a mother bird caring for her chicks, He plucked us out of the mud, cleaned us up with His gentle touch, and carefully placed us under His wing for protection.  Amen to saving grace!  There is no more hiding, no more lying, no more faking it.  We are free to be US, as God created us to be – no more worrying about what others think of us.  No more being ashamed of what we went through because ultimately His plan has prevailed.  Yes, there were earthly consequences and deep sorrow for our actions, but ultimately, it was JESUS who paid for our sins and failures on that cross, NOT US. 

There is a certain healing that comes with giving your story.  Through all of the hurt that Jed and I have both endured working through, we both learned about ourselves.  A certain strength grew.  A strength to fight for our God, to fight against what is wrong, to stand firm in our faith…TOGETHER.  What an amazing feeling to be a part of God’s kingdom doing HIS work.  We also learned about the people around us and how to see them with different eyes.  A change in perspective.   Because God sees US differently than the world sees us.  

I realize that there are still people out there who still don’t understand our story or our journey to faith.  They don’t understand that it isn't just one single event that tears a marriage apart.  You can’t have a house without walls, and you can’t have a marriage without love and respect.  It’s just easier to place blame on the most obvious failures that everyone sees.  But our lives are like puzzle pieces.  We only see bits and pieces of the lives of those around us, but God sees the whole puzzle put together. He sees how the sexual abuse piece fits together with the eating disorder piece.  How the death of a family member piece fits together with the drug and alcohol abuse piece.  How the verbal abuse piece fits together with infidelity piece.  God sees so much more than us.  He sees the reasons and motives behind everything that happens - He sees what we don’t.  So before you look at a marriage and think, “They've got the perfect marriage” or “Why is she still with that guy?”, remember that God sees something we don’t.  Maybe that “perfect marriage” is on the brink of divorce.  Maybe she’s still with “that guy” because behind closed doors he treats her with respect and dignity and makes her laugh.  Don’t believe everything you “think” you see.  Don't judge what you don't know.

As I watched over 100 men file into the chapel for the closing of the weekend yesterday, one thought popped into my head.  No drug, no relationship, no amount of money can replace that feeling of being truly free in Christ.  It was a high like none other I have ever experienced before.  Those God moments are so incredibly precious to me and they just keep getting better!  Thank you Lord for your unending mercies.  Thank you for always keeping Your promises to prosper and not harm us!

CRW 2013

The women’s CRW (Christian Retreat Weekend) 2013 is now just a memory, but definitely not forgotten.  I am continually amazed at God’s perfect plan unfolding around me.  There are no such things as coincidence, just God’s puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly, just as He has designed.

I had the honor and privilege to speak to this year’s CRW candidates on the topic of “Grace”.  Not only how I have been shown grace by my husband, my family, and my friends, but how God has shown an immeasurable amount of grace to me.  And it is because of His grace that I am compelled to show grace to others.  I can’t even put in to words the measure of my gratitude to Him – I get tears every time I think about where I could be had He not opened my eyes and plucked me out of darkness.  I have learned through my sometimes ugly, sometimes frightening, sometimes beautiful journey that I’m not just a sinner, but that I’m a forgiven sinner.  Not because I’M good, but because HE’S good.  And it has been this change in perspective that has made all the difference in my life.  When I look at how sinful I am, but am still loved and forgiven and shown grace by a merciful God, how can I not show that same compassion and mercy to other sinners who are just like me?  When I look at people with a different perspective, maybe more like God's perspective, it compels me to forgive because *I* have been forgiven. Thank you Lord.  Thank you.

My world has been rocked in just the short time since CRW – and the words I use to try to describe all that has happened will not even do it justice.  Each time I think I “get it”, God opens my eyes that much wider.  The miracles I have been witnessing over this past week can absolutely, most definitely, ONLY be from God himself.  Things that are happening that are out of the realm of human capacity.  Yesterday during church service, I was overcome by an enormous wave of gratitude and humility.  Thank you God, for allowing me to be a part of your greater plan.  He is using not only me, but Jed too, in mightier ways than I ever could have possibly imagined.  Who am I to be the mouthpiece for God?  Who am I to give advice?  Who am I to comfort?  Ever heard the phrase, “God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips those He calls.”?  No truer words have been spoken.  I am not equipped – but He has given me everything I need to be His servant.  What a humbling experience!  And He is faithful to keep His promises.  When we walk ahead in faith, He will work all things together for His good, even if they don’t make sense to us at the time.

Our church is doing a Bible reading plan called, “Eat This Book” http://www.ehope.org/eat-this-book which takes us through the Bible in a year.  I have gotten farther into the Bible now than I ever have before. (Before this plan I think I got to about Genesis chapter 2!!!)  It has been a challenge to keep up with the readings in the busyness of our lives, but I cannot express how instrumental this plan has been in keeping me in The Word. Daily.  And to have my entire church family reading it together helps to keep us all accountable to one another.  I have an insatiable hunger to read more and more and to keep learning and growing.  As I said before, just when I think I “get it”, even more is revealed to me! How awesome is that?!?

During my reading this morning, I was dumbfounded as I read.  Since starting this reading plan, I have been ruminating over the Exodus and WHY God forced the Israelites to remain in the wilderness for 40 years.  Because of their disobedience!  The parallel to my own life is astonishing. For several years in mine and Jed’s early marriage, we were wandering in the wilderness.  But Deuteronomy 8:2-5 explains exactly WHY God did what He did, “Remember how the Lord your God led you through the wilderness for these forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would obey his commands. Yes, he humbled you by letting you go hungry and then feeding you with manna, a food previously unknown to you and your ancestors. He did it to teach you that people do not live by bread alone; rather, we live by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. For all these forty years your clothes didn’t wear out, and your feet didn’t blister or swell. Think about it: Just as a parent disciplines a child, the Lord your God disciplines you for your own good.” I realize that wandering in our own wilderness was God’s way of testing us and refining us – FOR OUR OWN GOOD!  But the best part?  Deuteronomy 8:6-10 says, “So obey the commands of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and fearing him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land of flowing streams and pools of water, with fountains and springs that gush out in the valleys and hills. It is a land of wheat and barley; of grapevines, fig trees, and pomegranates; of olive oil and honey. It is a land where food is plentiful and nothing is lacking. It is a land where iron is as common as stone, and copper is abundant in the hills. When you have eaten your fill, be sure to praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you.”  He has brought us to our very own “Promised Land”.  A land where Jesus is the center of our family, where we are prosperous, where we are spiritually fed.  We want for nothing.  And the only payment God requests of us?  TO GIVE HIM THANKS!  So when people wonder why so many of my conversations revolve around God, Jesus, and the miracles He has performed in our lives, it is because I just can’t thank Him enough.  

Gratitude

It’s been a rough few months on my end physically. As many of you are aware, I have been suffering from chronic jaw pain due to TMJ and migraines for years. When you are physically feeling so rotten, it begins to wear on you emotionally and spiritually. When you can’t even care for your own children and you have to rely on your husband and friends to take care of them, the guilt sets in. When you are consistently needing to take time off of work because you can’t even see straight and you are sick to your stomach? It is a horrible, vicious cycle and I just want out of it! But alas! There is hope! Even on those days when I am feeling as low as I do, I still have hope. A bright and shining hope of healing. During Sunday’s sermon I was brought to tears when Pastor Matt was preaching about our prayer lives and how God answers prayer. Some of us pray for financial stability, relationships, health, jobs, etc. and sometimes we feel as though those prayers aren't being answered. but, God answers every prayer, maybe just now how we want our prayers answered. His answers to our prayers are either “Yes”, “No”, or “Wait”. And that last one is tricky and sometimes extremely difficult….but he explained it very clearly and my eyes were finally opened. In my case, I have earnestly been praying for healing. And I will be healed, it’s just a matter of when. I might be healed on this side of Heaven, or I might just have to wait until I am joined with Him in eternity. And that is my hope. That even if I am not healed on this side of Heaven, I will eventually be healed by His mighty hands. When I finally reach that place where “He will wipe every tear from my eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.” Because “all of those things are gone forever." AMEN and halleluiah! Oh how I long for that day – for so many of us. “While I’m waiting, I will worship.” So today, I wait. I wait for the day when we are all healed….from headaches, infertility, back pain, cancer. When we are all healed from bitterness, unforgiveness, abuse, addictions. The day is coming, but until then, we wait with joyful hope. 

Last week we had our very first Parent-Teacher conferences with Nora’s preschool teacher, Mrs. Kruse and let me tell you, pride may be considered a sin, but I was never more proud of our daughter than I was that night. Yes, I am a sinner! We were told how considerate, respectful, obedient and kind Nora is. We were told she is intellectually above and beyond the norm for her age. We were told that she prays every prayer and is very attentive during chapel and very much enjoys going to chapel. Her report stated that "Nora writes the word 'Mom' in her journal." and Mrs. Kruse showed her journal to us with "Mom" written in it several times. I would be lying if I said I didn't tear up a little. My baby girl still thinks about me even when I’m not there. All of these things I have prayed for her and those prayers are being answered. My how good God has been to us! (And yes, this is my "mom moment" to brag about my kids...because I can!) 

Archer is in the “trying three’s” stage right now. Anything and everything with him is met with resistance. He is definitely blazing his own trail and finding his way! And yet, even when he is so stinkin’ grouchy, I can’t help but just love him and the age he is at right now. He is so much fun and his innocence is so pure. He doesn’t care if people see him hugging and kissing his mom - in fact he gets upset if I DON'T give him a hug. I dread the day when my kids become “too cool” to be seen showing their old mom any kind of affection. I am just soaking these young days with the kids up while I can because time is slipping out from under me entirely too quickly. 

And with that, I leave one final thought. Now that it’s November and it’s a month of gratitude and thanksgiving (which should be EVERY month), I just want to make it clear how grateful I am for changed hearts. Because had God not chiseled away at Jed or myself, I fear for the darkness that my family would be in right now. I humbly thank you Lord for your favor shown to my beautiful little family. What are you thankful for today?

Restoration

Peggy Sue!

Nora at 7 months old singing "Peggy Sue"!!!

Always On My Mind

I have a confession to make.  When I dropped Nora and Archer off for their very first days of daycare after maternity leave, I was relieved.  I didn't cry, I didn’t think about them all day.  I was glad to have some semblance of normalcy back, a routine back in place, a break from being clung to!  I liked the familiarity of getting up and going to work and being productive (and no just productive in the milk department either!!).  Here’s my next confession.  I cry every time I drop Nora off at preschool.  WHAT IS THIS?!  She’s almost 5 years old and NOW I cry???  I think what I’m feeling deep down is that this is just the first step of letting go.  AND SHE’S ONLY FIVE!!!  I say this constantly, and I’m saying it again:  Time is going entirely too fast for my liking.  So mamas who have sweet little babies who you get the privilege of rocking to sleep?  Enjoy it now – savor it now.  And no, I’m not trying to make you feel anxious because time just slips away so quickly – I just want you to realize how precious our babies are and what a GIFT time is.  If you have been given one more day on this earth to breathe air in through your lungs and see your babies smile?  You are blessed.  There are mothers out there who cry themselves to sleep at night praying for a baby to be created in their womb or mourning the loss of a child who had blessed their lives for a short time. 

Just last night, after taking the babysitter home after small group, I came home to everyone in bed.  I went in to Nora’s room, put my ear to her face and just listened to her breathe.  And then I smelled her sweaty hair.  And it was as if time froze.  I just lay beside her listening to the peaceful rhythm of her breathing and then the tears started. Not because of sadness, but because of an overwhelming love for this sweet little one.  And our boxer Maggie had to share in the moment…mother hen that she is.  She followed me from Nora’s room into Archer’s room where I did the same thing.  What struck me was how differently they smelled – both sweet smelling, but Nora smelling like flowers and Archer more earthy.  I know this sounds so strange, but I have always connected smells to places and times and I just know that someday a wave of “earthy kid smell” will hit me long after Archer has moved out of the house and I will be transported back to that night when I just watched and listened to him sleep when he was just 2 years old (soon to be 3). 

Today my prayer is that my children continue to teach me about life, gratitude, appreciation for the little things, and how to love unconditionally.  They have taught me more in the past five years about life than I have ever learned in my own 33 years on this earth.  I love them to the moon and back. (or in Archer’s words: “A back-a moon”) 

Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk. - Susan Scarf Merrell

The Beginning of Something Beautiful

I went home on my lunch break today and on my way back to work, I saw a dad taking his son’s “first day of school” picture. His son appeared to be no older than Nora.  Instant tears.  My emotions have been a little high as of late as we draw ever closer to my first-born’s very first day of school.  Nora’s life has been full of so many firsts already, even more than most kids her age.  Her first hospital stay at 7 months old, her first bath after being in a body cast for 13 weeks, her first time walking after being in her body cast for 6 weeks, wearing her “long jeans” for the first time after being in her full body cast.  She isn't the only one to experience these other firsts.  Along with Nora, I also got to experience the first (and second…and third!!!!) time leaving my baby asleep on a surgical table in the hands of complete strangers to “fix” her.  Jed and I got to experience our first (and second!) hospital stay, watching Nora recover from major surgery.  To say we've been through a lot with our baby girl is an understatement.  But in reality, we haven’t known any different and are beyond blessed to have a daughter with a treatable condition – some children aren’t treatable.  We were able to watch our child recover.  Some parents never get that opportunity.  Some parents have to recover from the loss of their child instead.  In the past when people have expressed their sympathy for everything we have been through with Nora, my first response isn't “thank you” – it is “we are blessed that she is treatable…things could be so much worse for her and for that, she has been blessed by the hand of God.”  Which brings me to the thought that in just 4 days, I will be leaving my baby girl in the hands of complete strangers yet again, praying for safety as she forges her own way in this messed up world.  I always thought I would be the overprotective parent who kept her kids in a neat, safe, sheltered little bubble.  And I used to be.  But the more I am enveloped by my faith, I realize that I can only control so much of what happens to my kids, and the more I am able to let go of that control and to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them.  I won’t always be around, and I want to make sure that they can stand firm on their own two feet.  Sometimes I feel as though I’m being too harsh and can hardly stand to let them learn life’s lessons the hard way, but I know it's for the best.  My feelings are just so different.  My mother’s instinct is that I want to protect them and hold them and prevent anything bad from happening to them.  But I know that reality paints a completely different picture.  Reality is that bad things are going to happen to them and I can’t prevent them and I probably won’t be able to “fix” them.  BUT, I can raise them up to know how to handle the bad things so that the bad things aren't quite so bad.  I guess my point is that I want to raise them to have perspective.  Most times, if we would just push our pride and ego out of the way and look at things in a completely different light, we would be in awe of just how prideful and selfish we really are as human beings and that our way isn't always the right way.  And the situation would have a completely different life of its own.  And I know that in my sin, I do that same thing.  I am not willing to budge….not willing to let go of my pride.  And it not only hurts those around me, but hurts me.  I cannot spiritually grow if pride is in the way.  I now understand why pride is one of the seven deadly sins.  And in my opinion, the worst.  And it's what I struggle with the most.  I want my kids to learn to look at things from all angles and to know that they can be flexible when dealing with life's issues.

(Wow….how did the thought of my baby girl’s first day of school morph into THAT?!)

Another thought came to me today.  I’ve noticed that since I’ve invited Christ into my life, my view of myself has changed.  My insecurities have taken a back seat to more important things.  Things like doing God's work even if I'm not comfortable putting myself out there and being vulnerable.  I think the root of all insecurity is the feeling that we will never be good enough, we will never rise up to meet the expectations that others have of us, we will be thought of as incompetent.  But here is the root of all security: The love that Jesus has for us in immovable.  When you realize just how loved and cared for you are by Him, it doesn’t matter what expectations others have of you – you only care about what expectations HE has for you and you strive to meet those expectations..  I will never have the words to express my gratitude for His love for me.  He has answered my prayers with more than I ever could have imagined.  Maybe not the way I thought He would answer, but in HIS way.  And His way is always so much better than ours.  And I fall so short of his grace and mercy every single day, yet every single day He grants them anyway.  (“Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his mercies never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23) I am so undeserving of His comforting love, yet He freely gives it to me.  I just can’t even wrap my brain around that.  (“But God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” Romans 5:8.) 

His promises, His plans….they all come to fruition – if you’re willing to change your perspective.  Maybe not in the way you thought, but in the way He knows is best.

Archer & Nora a few days before Nora's first day of school

Raegan & Noah (my niece & nephew) on their first day of school

"Life's like an hourglass glued to the table."

A Mother's Fragile Heart

As I type this, I am looking at the stack of registration forms for Nora for preschool.  And realize that they are filled out.  And that my BABY is headed to school for the first time in just a few short months.  How is that possible?  Doesn’t she still need her diapers changed and her crib to be baby-proofed?  Doesn’t she need help walking and to be spoon-fed?  My heart literally aches thinking about how quickly time is passing and that my babies are no longer babies.  There are days when I complain and whine about how clingy they are (we even penned the term “Klingons”), but sooner than a flash in the pan, they won’t need me anymore.  They won’t need mama to help them brush their teeth.  They won’t need mama to cuddle with them.  They won’t need mama to get their milk poured.  They won’t need mama to get them out of the bathtub.  Don’t get me wrong, most kids will always need their parents, in some form or another, but it’s a different kind of need.  “Mom, I need money”.  “Mom, I need to borrow the car”. “Mom, I need you to talk to Dad and get him calmed down so he doesn’t kill me.”  Those kinds of needs.

When I was in the hospital recovering from just having Nora, I will NEVER, as long as I live, forget what my Grandma Gaul told me.  She said, “Becky, make sure to stop and just enjoy these days because they are over before you can even blink.  And they really are the best years of your life. You might think you’re going to go mad from all of the chaos, but you’ll miss the noise when they’re gone.”  And I know there is a reason for God putting it on Grandma’s heart to tell me that.  Because ever since then, I have taken that to heart so deeply, that sometimes I wonder if this ache will ever go away.  The ache of watching my babies grow up and become independent.  The ache of knowing that things can change so incredibly quickly and life as we know it can change forever.  A dear friend of mine lost her daughter in a tragic accident a little over a year ago.  She would have turned 5 on June 5^th – her golden birthday.  “V” was the same age as Nora.  And my heart is crushed knowing that Rhonda would give anything – ANYTHING – to live amidst the chaos of raising a 4-year old that I sometimes get overwhelmed with and complain about.  And it makes me just stop right where I am, and praise God in that moment, that He has given me this beautiful gift of a little girl but also makes me remember that He can take her back anytime He wishes.  I don’t worry about what the future holds (much!) I guess I just get a little heartsick when I think of how fast life is going and how quickly it changes.  I just want a “pause” button for life, right at this very moment, to relish the sweet chubby arms that put themselves around my neck to give me big hugs, to bottle the scent of my kids lying in their beds at night after a busy day of playing to open later in the years when I’m missing their presence, to record the still, small voice that says, “I love you more mama” just before I close his bedroom door at night to be played back someday when all I hear is the quietness of an empty home.  It’s in those little moments, when I feel God and know that His promises are true.  Nothing can bring me to my knees like those little glimpses of Heaven brought to me through my children.

And with all of this, I cling, ever so tightly, to the hope of spending eternity with my babies, where “He will wipe every tear from our eyes, and death shall be no more.” Where “There will no longer be any mourning, crying, or pain.” (Revelation 21:4).   Where we can spend eternity with each other without that cloud of sadness of time passing too quickly over our heads.  Where happiness and joy and dancing and smiles and “little moments” reign forever.  When you hear people say, “It’s not the big moments in life that you remember the most – it’s the little ones.” BELIEVE THEM.  Because there is more truth to that statement than I can comprehend.  The moments I remember most are those quiet moments, with my kids snuggled up against me, the sweet smell of their shampooed hair hanging heavy in the air.  The delightful sound of their giggles and squeals as I push them higher or give them underdogs on the swings.  The feel of them leaning back heavily against my body as they sit on my lap as we swing together.  The glint in their eyes when they look at me as they say their bedtime prayers.  Precious, fleeting time.  It truly is a gift and if you’ve been given the gift of time with your loved ones, savor it – relish it – live in it.  Because at any moment your gift of time could be taken away from you and you will miss the opportunity.

With four final words, “I’m gonna miss this.”

Going Green

The past few months I have been changing out my cleaning and beauty products (full of chemicals) for naturally made products.  In other words – we've gone green.  I've replaced our laundry & dishwasher detergents with homemade detergent which costs just pennies.  I've replaced our fabric softener with plain white vinegar.  I use Bare Minerals makeup instead of the chemical-laden junk from the store.  I've replaced our toothpaste with a baking soda, peroxide, and tea tree oil paste.  I've replaced our underarm deodorant with my own homemade stick made from baking soda, coconut oil, and essential oils.  I've replaced my shampoo with my own homemade shampoo made with castile soap, coconut milk, water, and essential oils. (Really works for Jed!!)  I've traded in bleach and Comet for vinegar, water, and tea tree oil.  I've even traded in our air fresheners for naturally made baking soda and essential oils. (Tea tree oil – a jack of all trades!!  I love it!)  I even was looking at the “ingredients” in baby wipes and started making our own wipes after seeing all of the chemicals that are added.  And although I've been struggling with some health issues, I am feeling better as the days go on.  I've traded in my Sweet & Low for stevia or real sugar and can tell a difference in how I’m feeling already.  We're purchasing more organic foods and try to steer clear of processed foods/artificial flavors.

I started acupuncture back at the end of March and was one of the lucky ones that it worked for.  Unfortunately my body has been in this unwell mode for so long that it’s going to take quite some time to “undo” the damage.  That being said, if you go into any kind of alternative medicine expecting a “get well quick” mentality, it won’t work.  It takes time for our bodies to become unwell, it takes even longer to get them back to optimal health.  It’s frustrating, it’s irritating, and it tests my patience and endurance.  But I know that I am on the road to better living by eliminating so many of the toxins that are present in our daily lives.  The one toxin I’m not able to completely eliminate is STRESS and it’s probably the biggest toxin in my life.  The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that up to 90% of all illness and disease is due to stress – and I can testify to that!  BUT, I also am able to realize that in this season of my life, stress is inevitable and unavoidable.  Having two small, sometimes challenging, children to raise in today’s society is stressful!  There is a noticeable difference in my composure when my children are around versus when they aren't.  I’m not going to sugar-coat it:  My kids can drive me nuts!  It’s difficult to be “stress-free” and calm when you are being pulled in a thousand different directions.  But I reiterate, I realize that is just the season of life that I am in right now.  And soon, sooner than I like to think, I will be wishing for this season of life to be back instead of the “empty nest” season. 

Alot of you have been asking me for the recipes I use, so consider yourselves very lucky….I’m giving away all of my beauty secrets here!

Homemade Recipes:

Deodorant: http://littlehouseinthesuburbs.com/2009/03/quick-stick-deodorant.html

Facial Toner: http://shwinandshwin.blogspot.com/2010/10/skin-brightening-toner.html

Shampoo:  http://moneysavingqueen.com/March-2012/Frugal-Living-How-to-Make-Your-Own-Shampoo/

Sugar Body Scrub: http://www.thefrugalstyle.com/wordpress/fashion-beauty/sugar-pie-honey-bunch-diy-body-scrubs/

Salt Glow: http://www.kristanlynn.com/2011/06/diy-citrus-salt-scrub.html

Toothpaste: http://tinygreenmom.com/2011/01/make-your-own-organic-toothpaste/

Dishwasher Detergent: http://beingcreativetokeepmysanity.blogspot.com/2011/01/dishwasher-detergent.html

Laundry Detergent:  http://duggarfamily.com/content/duggar_recipes/30456/powdered_laundry_detergent_top_load_machine

Baby Wipes: (and I used castile soap instead of baby wash – because of all the chemicals in baby wash even!) http://www.naturalbirthandbabycare.com/homemade-baby-wipes-recipes.html

Air Freshener : (I made one for the back of the toilet and one for in the refrigerator) http://smashedpeasandcarrots.blogspot.com/2012/03/easy-baking-soda-air-freshener-tutorial.html

Coffee Creamer: http://deliciouslyorganic.net/homemade-coffee-creamer/

Reclaimed 5:17

Awhile back, in November as Jed and I were walking out of our friends’ house, I noticed in their “burn pile” that they had a whole slew of twigs.  The “thrifter” in me thought, “You should do something neat with those twigs.  Grab some and take them home.”  Hector the Collector I am.  At any rate, I put the twigs down in our basement in a corner where I figured they would lie until we moved or our house burned down.  Moving forward, it’s now December.  One night, I was laying next to Jed trying to fall asleep to no avail.  I was crying and praying and talking to God about healing and restoring my friend Laurie’s marriage.  I felt so incredibly helpless to help her and my heart was broken for her.  I was asking God to give her strength and to help me to help her.  I was praying that He would hold her close to Him and comfort her.  Like a bolt of lightning, I suddenly had a moment of pure clarity…unexplainable.  God told me what to do with those twigs!  For weeks I had been listening to “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” by the David Crowder Band and one of the lines just kept hammering in my head:

“Let thy goodness like a fetter; bind my wandering heart to thee.  Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.  Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.”

That was it!  I was asking God to bind her heart to Him!  My mind was racing, I sat up and woke Jed up asking him if he was awake because I HAD to share this vision!  He mumbled something and rolled over and I was left in astonishment.  God had told me to take those twigs and make a cross, get a glass heart (I was picturing a big fat, red, shiny heart), bind it to the cross with twine, and somehow have “Bind Thy Wandering Heart to Thee” on there somewhere and then BREAK that heart!  In essence, I was bringing that song to fruition. 

The next day, with a determined purpose, I got to work on that cross.  I stopped at Hobby Lobby and found the most perfect, couldn’t have been any better heart.  It was a “seashell” jagged heart pendant.  Best part?  ON SALE! ;-)  I got the pendant, some copper wire and some twine.  I had found an awesome font for “Bind My Wandering Heart to Thee” on Pinterest which…seriously?...It. Could. Not. Have. Been. More. Suitable. 

I went home and made the cross.  Want to know the kicker here?  Laurie collects crosses and has a cross wall in her dining room!  How’s that for divine vision?  I wrapped the cross up and delivered it to Laurie one night before Christmas when we got together for some “girl time”.  The best gift I ever gave.

The cross on Kelli's "Redeemed" paper

And as the old saying goes, “the rest is history”.  Eeeeeerrrrk!  Stop the train.  Not in this case.  My vision was so much more than I could ever imagine.  An acquaintance of mine, Kelli, saw the cross I gave to Laurie.  She approached me later and asked where I came up with the idea for the cross and I told her the story.  An instant bond was made.  Kelli was in the process of writing her testimony for our women’s Christian Retreat Weekend and before I even had the cross made, she had made the underlying theme of her talk to be….you guessed it…”Bind My Wandering Heart To Thee”.  Seriously?  God was telling us that we needed to become fast friends!!!  In comes Kelli’s vision:  Kelli had the vision to make 80 of these crosses for all of the women who were attending the Christian Retreat Weekend.  BIG project.  Not only did our friends step up to the plate to pitch in and help us, but we ended up making 120 crosses for attendees and leaders!  AND THEN…yes, there’s more…she made another 80 or so for the men’s Christian Retreat Weekend for each attendees and leaders as well!  Unbelievable.  We have also asked another “crafty” friend, Kate, to join us on our newest adventure.  I am just astonished at how one tiny vision has snowballed into something like this.  Only God could have engineered something like this. For sure!

And no, the story does not end there.  After the men’s CRW, Kelli approached me about making these crosses and selling them.  All the profits would go to a women’s shelter.  From there God got a hold of both of us and her idea morphed into something a little bit bigger than we had anticipated.  We decided we would take “old” things and make them “new” and sell them at Farmer’s Market, along with making the crosses. All of the earnings will go to a few select LOCAL charities.  People like to see with their own eyes that their donations are being put to good use.  We were both finding all kinds of things in nature that we wanted to “repurpose” and “recycle” for our newest adventure.  For me, this whole idea of recycling “junk” is very appealing.  I am a thrifter at heart and am just amazed at the finds I’ve gotten at Goodwill, St. Vinny’s, consignment stores, etc.  Not only that, but being environmentally responsible has recently caught my attention when I realized that my body is in so much pain because of my environmental factors!  When Kelli & I were discussing the name, we had originally decided on “Reclaimed 21:5” because during our pastor’s sermon two weeks ago, he visited Revelation 21:5 which states, “And the one sitting on the throne said, "Look, I am making everything new!" And then he said to me, "Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true."  Really?  Why not just stamp “Revelation 21:5” on our foreheads to get our attention God!!  Well, after some discussion, we both decided part of our mission is to spread the Word that Jesus takes the old and makes it new.  Just as we are new creations in Christ, so will our “nature inspired creations” be.  And so then it just stuck…”Reclaimed 5:17” Reference 2 Corinthians 5:17 which states, “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”  And both Kelli and I can attest to that!  We were both broken and beat when Jesus found each of us, and like a mother nursing her child back to health, restored us.  He made us new.

I now think of my life in the following terms:  B.C an A.C.  Before Christ and After Christ.  Before Christ I was a lost and wandering soul, just surviving the days.  And now since Christ has found me (yes…He found me, not the other way around!) and I accepted Him into my life, He has given me LIFE and PURPOSE and HOPE.  I am no longer just surviving.  I am living.

My Mind Is Racing

I don’t even know how to start this post because I have so many things running through my little head.  Every day I am having more and more “encounters” with God and am really, really finding it hard to suppress my excitement.  I guess I’m not sure if I want to say “encounters”.  More or less I am FEELING His love in a tangible way.  I am bursting with things I want to say and share with everyone I meet.  I am astounded at the provisions and blessings He has given to me and my family and am so incredibly humbled. 

I had the privilege of serving as a table leader at our church’s women’s Christian Retreat Weekend (CRW) a few weeks ago and can honestly say that I got more out of serving that weekend than I did the year before as just an attendee.  Not only that, but last weekend the men had their CRW and I had the privilege of serving in a small capacity that weekend as well.  And still, I got more out of serving during THAT weekend than I did at my own CRW! I just can’t explain it.  Being in a serving role is definitely my thing.  I have always liked to serve people – since I was young.  The only difference now is that I serve to glorify Him and His love for mankind – not for my own benefit or to “get anything out of it”.  It is a freeing feeling.  I want to model after Jesus.  When He washed the feet of His disciples?  Mind.  Blowing.  Jesus, the ultimate authority, THE KING, lowered and bent Himself to. the. ground. to serve some of those who would betray him! And He KNEW they would betray Him!  Seriously, I have no words to describe my complete awe.  I think that the act of Jesus washing the feet of his disciples is symbolic in so many ways.  It is symbolic of the cleansing and washing of our sins.  Only through Jesus can we be cleansed of our sin, and He prompts us to wash the feet of one another, to bring others to Christ by showing them love, compassion, kindness, and love and forgiving their sins (even for those who have betrayed us). He washes their feet so they would be cleansed of their sin and so they could know Him.  Sounds a bit like a baptism, don’t you think?  Basically to “carry on” His teaching and His love. If you want to read up on this, read John 13.  I don’t even know how to say all of this without confusing anyone or to state clearly exactly what I want to say because I have so many ideas running through my head.  I am just so thankful to be able to hear Him and see Him in my life because for far too long I was in darkness.

I love Easter.  I always have.  Maybe because daffodils are my favorite flower and they bloom around Easter.  Maybe it's because we used to get chocolate bunnies with the crunchy eyes (we always liked the hollow bunnies WAY better than the solid bunnies!).  Easter has a whole new meaning for me now that I walk with Christ.  And I plan to carry on His word and truth, His light and His teachings, to our kids.  It's not about the bunnies or the cute little chicks and lambs.  However, have you made the connection between symbolic Easter lambs and "The Lamb of God" who is JESUS??! Society may try to push God out of our schools and buildings, but most don't know that He is still permeating our culture!!! Ha!  Take that world!  The other night we made “Jesus’ tomb” with dirt, a small planter, grass seed, some rock, and some twigs.  I got the idea off Pinterest (if you don’t know what Pinterest is, I advise you not to check it out unless you want to be sucked into a time-sucking black hole).  Here is a picture of what it should look like when it starts to grow.

If you are like me and need something concrete to show concepts, watch this video.  I never understood exactly what it is God did for us by sending His one and only son, THE LAMB OF GOD, to earth.  This video is indescribable at explaining that concept.  (disclaimer: tissues not included). 

If you do not have a church to call home and are curious about a relationship with Jesus, give me a call, send me an email, get in touch with me somehow!  I love talking about Jesus and His unending love for us.  If you have questions that I don’t have the answer to, I know of A LOT of people who do!  :-)  Some days I wonder what took me so long to finally cement my relationship with Jesus, but then I realize that everything happens in His time, when He knows we are ready.