Gratitude

It’s been a rough few months on my end physically. As many of you are aware, I have been suffering from chronic jaw pain due to TMJ and migraines for years. When you are physically feeling so rotten, it begins to wear on you emotionally and spiritually. When you can’t even care for your own children and you have to rely on your husband and friends to take care of them, the guilt sets in. When you are consistently needing to take time off of work because you can’t even see straight and you are sick to your stomach? It is a horrible, vicious cycle and I just want out of it! But alas! There is hope! Even on those days when I am feeling as low as I do, I still have hope. A bright and shining hope of healing. During Sunday’s sermon I was brought to tears when Pastor Matt was preaching about our prayer lives and how God answers prayer. Some of us pray for financial stability, relationships, health, jobs, etc. and sometimes we feel as though those prayers aren't being answered. but, God answers every prayer, maybe just now how we want our prayers answered. His answers to our prayers are either “Yes”, “No”, or “Wait”. And that last one is tricky and sometimes extremely difficult….but he explained it very clearly and my eyes were finally opened. In my case, I have earnestly been praying for healing. And I will be healed, it’s just a matter of when. I might be healed on this side of Heaven, or I might just have to wait until I am joined with Him in eternity. And that is my hope. That even if I am not healed on this side of Heaven, I will eventually be healed by His mighty hands. When I finally reach that place where “He will wipe every tear from my eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.” Because “all of those things are gone forever." AMEN and halleluiah! Oh how I long for that day – for so many of us. “While I’m waiting, I will worship.” So today, I wait. I wait for the day when we are all healed….from headaches, infertility, back pain, cancer. When we are all healed from bitterness, unforgiveness, abuse, addictions. The day is coming, but until then, we wait with joyful hope. 

Last week we had our very first Parent-Teacher conferences with Nora’s preschool teacher, Mrs. Kruse and let me tell you, pride may be considered a sin, but I was never more proud of our daughter than I was that night. Yes, I am a sinner! We were told how considerate, respectful, obedient and kind Nora is. We were told she is intellectually above and beyond the norm for her age. We were told that she prays every prayer and is very attentive during chapel and very much enjoys going to chapel. Her report stated that "Nora writes the word 'Mom' in her journal." and Mrs. Kruse showed her journal to us with "Mom" written in it several times. I would be lying if I said I didn't tear up a little. My baby girl still thinks about me even when I’m not there. All of these things I have prayed for her and those prayers are being answered. My how good God has been to us! (And yes, this is my "mom moment" to brag about my kids...because I can!) 

Archer is in the “trying three’s” stage right now. Anything and everything with him is met with resistance. He is definitely blazing his own trail and finding his way! And yet, even when he is so stinkin’ grouchy, I can’t help but just love him and the age he is at right now. He is so much fun and his innocence is so pure. He doesn’t care if people see him hugging and kissing his mom - in fact he gets upset if I DON'T give him a hug. I dread the day when my kids become “too cool” to be seen showing their old mom any kind of affection. I am just soaking these young days with the kids up while I can because time is slipping out from under me entirely too quickly. 

And with that, I leave one final thought. Now that it’s November and it’s a month of gratitude and thanksgiving (which should be EVERY month), I just want to make it clear how grateful I am for changed hearts. Because had God not chiseled away at Jed or myself, I fear for the darkness that my family would be in right now. I humbly thank you Lord for your favor shown to my beautiful little family. What are you thankful for today?

Restoration

Peggy Sue!

Nora at 7 months old singing "Peggy Sue"!!!

Always On My Mind

I have a confession to make.  When I dropped Nora and Archer off for their very first days of daycare after maternity leave, I was relieved.  I didn't cry, I didn’t think about them all day.  I was glad to have some semblance of normalcy back, a routine back in place, a break from being clung to!  I liked the familiarity of getting up and going to work and being productive (and no just productive in the milk department either!!).  Here’s my next confession.  I cry every time I drop Nora off at preschool.  WHAT IS THIS?!  She’s almost 5 years old and NOW I cry???  I think what I’m feeling deep down is that this is just the first step of letting go.  AND SHE’S ONLY FIVE!!!  I say this constantly, and I’m saying it again:  Time is going entirely too fast for my liking.  So mamas who have sweet little babies who you get the privilege of rocking to sleep?  Enjoy it now – savor it now.  And no, I’m not trying to make you feel anxious because time just slips away so quickly – I just want you to realize how precious our babies are and what a GIFT time is.  If you have been given one more day on this earth to breathe air in through your lungs and see your babies smile?  You are blessed.  There are mothers out there who cry themselves to sleep at night praying for a baby to be created in their womb or mourning the loss of a child who had blessed their lives for a short time. 

Just last night, after taking the babysitter home after small group, I came home to everyone in bed.  I went in to Nora’s room, put my ear to her face and just listened to her breathe.  And then I smelled her sweaty hair.  And it was as if time froze.  I just lay beside her listening to the peaceful rhythm of her breathing and then the tears started. Not because of sadness, but because of an overwhelming love for this sweet little one.  And our boxer Maggie had to share in the moment…mother hen that she is.  She followed me from Nora’s room into Archer’s room where I did the same thing.  What struck me was how differently they smelled – both sweet smelling, but Nora smelling like flowers and Archer more earthy.  I know this sounds so strange, but I have always connected smells to places and times and I just know that someday a wave of “earthy kid smell” will hit me long after Archer has moved out of the house and I will be transported back to that night when I just watched and listened to him sleep when he was just 2 years old (soon to be 3). 

Today my prayer is that my children continue to teach me about life, gratitude, appreciation for the little things, and how to love unconditionally.  They have taught me more in the past five years about life than I have ever learned in my own 33 years on this earth.  I love them to the moon and back. (or in Archer’s words: “A back-a moon”) 

Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk. - Susan Scarf Merrell

The Beginning of Something Beautiful

I went home on my lunch break today and on my way back to work, I saw a dad taking his son’s “first day of school” picture. His son appeared to be no older than Nora.  Instant tears.  My emotions have been a little high as of late as we draw ever closer to my first-born’s very first day of school.  Nora’s life has been full of so many firsts already, even more than most kids her age.  Her first hospital stay at 7 months old, her first bath after being in a body cast for 13 weeks, her first time walking after being in her body cast for 6 weeks, wearing her “long jeans” for the first time after being in her full body cast.  She isn't the only one to experience these other firsts.  Along with Nora, I also got to experience the first (and second…and third!!!!) time leaving my baby asleep on a surgical table in the hands of complete strangers to “fix” her.  Jed and I got to experience our first (and second!) hospital stay, watching Nora recover from major surgery.  To say we've been through a lot with our baby girl is an understatement.  But in reality, we haven’t known any different and are beyond blessed to have a daughter with a treatable condition – some children aren’t treatable.  We were able to watch our child recover.  Some parents never get that opportunity.  Some parents have to recover from the loss of their child instead.  In the past when people have expressed their sympathy for everything we have been through with Nora, my first response isn't “thank you” – it is “we are blessed that she is treatable…things could be so much worse for her and for that, she has been blessed by the hand of God.”  Which brings me to the thought that in just 4 days, I will be leaving my baby girl in the hands of complete strangers yet again, praying for safety as she forges her own way in this messed up world.  I always thought I would be the overprotective parent who kept her kids in a neat, safe, sheltered little bubble.  And I used to be.  But the more I am enveloped by my faith, I realize that I can only control so much of what happens to my kids, and the more I am able to let go of that control and to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them.  I won’t always be around, and I want to make sure that they can stand firm on their own two feet.  Sometimes I feel as though I’m being too harsh and can hardly stand to let them learn life’s lessons the hard way, but I know it's for the best.  My feelings are just so different.  My mother’s instinct is that I want to protect them and hold them and prevent anything bad from happening to them.  But I know that reality paints a completely different picture.  Reality is that bad things are going to happen to them and I can’t prevent them and I probably won’t be able to “fix” them.  BUT, I can raise them up to know how to handle the bad things so that the bad things aren't quite so bad.  I guess my point is that I want to raise them to have perspective.  Most times, if we would just push our pride and ego out of the way and look at things in a completely different light, we would be in awe of just how prideful and selfish we really are as human beings and that our way isn't always the right way.  And the situation would have a completely different life of its own.  And I know that in my sin, I do that same thing.  I am not willing to budge….not willing to let go of my pride.  And it not only hurts those around me, but hurts me.  I cannot spiritually grow if pride is in the way.  I now understand why pride is one of the seven deadly sins.  And in my opinion, the worst.  And it's what I struggle with the most.  I want my kids to learn to look at things from all angles and to know that they can be flexible when dealing with life's issues.

(Wow….how did the thought of my baby girl’s first day of school morph into THAT?!)

Another thought came to me today.  I’ve noticed that since I’ve invited Christ into my life, my view of myself has changed.  My insecurities have taken a back seat to more important things.  Things like doing God's work even if I'm not comfortable putting myself out there and being vulnerable.  I think the root of all insecurity is the feeling that we will never be good enough, we will never rise up to meet the expectations that others have of us, we will be thought of as incompetent.  But here is the root of all security: The love that Jesus has for us in immovable.  When you realize just how loved and cared for you are by Him, it doesn’t matter what expectations others have of you – you only care about what expectations HE has for you and you strive to meet those expectations..  I will never have the words to express my gratitude for His love for me.  He has answered my prayers with more than I ever could have imagined.  Maybe not the way I thought He would answer, but in HIS way.  And His way is always so much better than ours.  And I fall so short of his grace and mercy every single day, yet every single day He grants them anyway.  (“Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his mercies never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23) I am so undeserving of His comforting love, yet He freely gives it to me.  I just can’t even wrap my brain around that.  (“But God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” Romans 5:8.) 

His promises, His plans….they all come to fruition – if you’re willing to change your perspective.  Maybe not in the way you thought, but in the way He knows is best.

Archer & Nora a few days before Nora's first day of school

Raegan & Noah (my niece & nephew) on their first day of school

"Life's like an hourglass glued to the table."

A Mother's Fragile Heart

As I type this, I am looking at the stack of registration forms for Nora for preschool.  And realize that they are filled out.  And that my BABY is headed to school for the first time in just a few short months.  How is that possible?  Doesn’t she still need her diapers changed and her crib to be baby-proofed?  Doesn’t she need help walking and to be spoon-fed?  My heart literally aches thinking about how quickly time is passing and that my babies are no longer babies.  There are days when I complain and whine about how clingy they are (we even penned the term “Klingons”), but sooner than a flash in the pan, they won’t need me anymore.  They won’t need mama to help them brush their teeth.  They won’t need mama to cuddle with them.  They won’t need mama to get their milk poured.  They won’t need mama to get them out of the bathtub.  Don’t get me wrong, most kids will always need their parents, in some form or another, but it’s a different kind of need.  “Mom, I need money”.  “Mom, I need to borrow the car”. “Mom, I need you to talk to Dad and get him calmed down so he doesn’t kill me.”  Those kinds of needs.

When I was in the hospital recovering from just having Nora, I will NEVER, as long as I live, forget what my Grandma Gaul told me.  She said, “Becky, make sure to stop and just enjoy these days because they are over before you can even blink.  And they really are the best years of your life. You might think you’re going to go mad from all of the chaos, but you’ll miss the noise when they’re gone.”  And I know there is a reason for God putting it on Grandma’s heart to tell me that.  Because ever since then, I have taken that to heart so deeply, that sometimes I wonder if this ache will ever go away.  The ache of watching my babies grow up and become independent.  The ache of knowing that things can change so incredibly quickly and life as we know it can change forever.  A dear friend of mine lost her daughter in a tragic accident a little over a year ago.  She would have turned 5 on June 5^th – her golden birthday.  “V” was the same age as Nora.  And my heart is crushed knowing that Rhonda would give anything – ANYTHING – to live amidst the chaos of raising a 4-year old that I sometimes get overwhelmed with and complain about.  And it makes me just stop right where I am, and praise God in that moment, that He has given me this beautiful gift of a little girl but also makes me remember that He can take her back anytime He wishes.  I don’t worry about what the future holds (much!) I guess I just get a little heartsick when I think of how fast life is going and how quickly it changes.  I just want a “pause” button for life, right at this very moment, to relish the sweet chubby arms that put themselves around my neck to give me big hugs, to bottle the scent of my kids lying in their beds at night after a busy day of playing to open later in the years when I’m missing their presence, to record the still, small voice that says, “I love you more mama” just before I close his bedroom door at night to be played back someday when all I hear is the quietness of an empty home.  It’s in those little moments, when I feel God and know that His promises are true.  Nothing can bring me to my knees like those little glimpses of Heaven brought to me through my children.

And with all of this, I cling, ever so tightly, to the hope of spending eternity with my babies, where “He will wipe every tear from our eyes, and death shall be no more.” Where “There will no longer be any mourning, crying, or pain.” (Revelation 21:4).   Where we can spend eternity with each other without that cloud of sadness of time passing too quickly over our heads.  Where happiness and joy and dancing and smiles and “little moments” reign forever.  When you hear people say, “It’s not the big moments in life that you remember the most – it’s the little ones.” BELIEVE THEM.  Because there is more truth to that statement than I can comprehend.  The moments I remember most are those quiet moments, with my kids snuggled up against me, the sweet smell of their shampooed hair hanging heavy in the air.  The delightful sound of their giggles and squeals as I push them higher or give them underdogs on the swings.  The feel of them leaning back heavily against my body as they sit on my lap as we swing together.  The glint in their eyes when they look at me as they say their bedtime prayers.  Precious, fleeting time.  It truly is a gift and if you’ve been given the gift of time with your loved ones, savor it – relish it – live in it.  Because at any moment your gift of time could be taken away from you and you will miss the opportunity.

With four final words, “I’m gonna miss this.”